- Louise Garvey

With hindsight I should have known from the way the question was phrased. “Are you doing anything on Saturday?” The lack of detail and the fact that everyone stopped what they were doing to hear my response probably should have been adequate warning that Crossfit Ireland was not holding a cake sale or substituting a game of rounders for the Saturday workout. On the drive home I start wondering what I’ve committed to and whether I can back out and pretend that all 8 people misheard me say “yes” instead “are you out of your tiny mind?” I tell myself that it will be fun, like a sports day, conveniently forgetting that I regarded sports day as a perverse form of torture at school. I mean I once came third in the three-legged race, but that was merely by dint of being tied to my much faster friend who literally dragged me the length of the course.

Saturday rolls around and it’s looking like a nice day, so far, so good. I start to feel more anxious on the drive across. Rocking up at the venue I’m surprised at the impressive number of people there and slightly horrified by how seriously they are taking warming up. I decided to leave my pre-workout snack (almond croissant) in my bag to avoid immediately identifying myself as the amateur. Since Sue is injured, there’s only one other girl competing and she has been doing crossfit for two years. This does not bode well. Also an ominous sign is that I’m not really familiar with (m)any of the movements.

Workout 1 consists of overhead squats (which I’ve never done), wall balls (which I’ve never even heard of, much less attempted) and pullups (which I have done). Seven rounds of each with a cut-off time of 12 minutes. Familiarity rating – 33%.

Mercifully Overhead Squat Expert Will and Wall-Ball Guru Tony take pity on me and I get an emergency tutorial in both. I managed about 5 of each and then try to ignore the part of my brain that is screams “7 x 7 = 49″ and tell myself 7 x 7 is probably only 19 or thereabouts.

Once you block out the fact that you’ve to do the workout, watching the other competitors is kind of awesome. Everyone is going flat out and there are some great displays of strength, skill and determination. It’s fascinating to see how the various combinations of speed and strength play out. Heat 5 rolls around too fast and I’m up. Sue has taken pity on me and put me at the back which I am very relieved about. Pixie is spotting me and before I know it we’ve started.

I don’t know what you’d call the maneuver I use to get the bar overhead, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in any textbook. Amazingly I managed seven of the overhead squats with relative ease. So relieved am I to finish the squats I drop the bar. On my head. Thus I can’t really remember any of rounds 2 and 3 which is probably a blessing. Round 4 is torturous, but I finish it, do set 5 of the overhead squats (which are actually still feeling pretty good) and I’m onto the pull ups. I know that Dee got 7 in this round, but after 3 my arms give out. I have about 4 attempts at getting a fourth but I my body will not cooperate and I can’t get my chin over the bar. I contemplate jumping off the box and hoping the band will catapult me up, but although it wasn’t specifically disallowed I reckon it might be illegal.

There’s a short break before round 2, which is as many clean and jerks as possible in 3 minutes, and I’m faring no better in the familiarity stakes. I’ve done power cleans once before, push presses once and never linked the two together. Familiarity rating – 0%. The first time I try this will be in front of a crowd. Thankfully they’re a supportive bunch. Without further ado we’re going head to head, and I manage 15 to Dee’s 16. The level of encouragement was fantastic. Although I’m thrilled it’s over I can’t help but feel a little like I could have squeezed another one or two reps into the 3 minutes, which gives me something to work on for next time. Our 35kg does look a little puny compared to the guys’ 75kg, with hindsight maybe a heavier weight would have offered a more comparable challenge because they are putting in a Herculean effort and a couple even get it up for a personal best.

Next up is lunch, well either that or the largest Tupperware party I’ve been to; I’ve never seen so many plastic boxes in one room before. I still feel really nauseous and I know it’s because I am absolutely dreading workout 3. It comprises five rounds of a 400m run, 15 push ups, 15 double-unders and 15 overhead lunges. Possibly my dread it related to the fact that I have a familiarity rating of 75% on this lot and as they say familiarity breeds contempt. Perhaps ignorance was bliss, I’m pretty sure this will not be fun. Dee is inclined to agree and we try to argue that we should be allowed to scale it and do it as a team in relay format, or at least substitute coffee-drinking for double-unders. Colm isn’t convinced by the merits of our argument.

I decide I’m just going to grind it out as I repeat to myself round the back of the building “Do not stop running, do not stop running, donotstoprunning.” Weirdly, 2 rounds in I start to enjoy it – the atmosphere is great, everyone is cheering and smiling and the spotters are really encouraging. I kind of don’t mind that I have to take the double-unders one-by-painstaking-one or that my press ups are more reminiscent of a dying fish floundering on the beach.

Later that day I will look in the mirror and discover I’ve acquired a five o’clock shadow which reveals itself to be car park dirt from spending so much time with my face on the ground. It’s not a great look. I keep chipping away at the workout and kind of get into a rhythm while trying to ignore the fact that the men’s final ended 5 minutes ago. Much to my delight I do finish, scraping thorough in 24 mins and winning that round for a final score of Dee 2: Louise 1.

All in all the day was great. The organization was terrific and the supportive atmosphere second to none. It made me rethink my hatred of all things competitive. I may have finished last out of the ladies but it felt like a victory to me so I’ve been telling my friends I came second and just muttering the “out of two” part under my breath.